I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
