I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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