My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
