i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
