i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
