it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
