He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
No subtext here. People are naked.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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