Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
