she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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