During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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