i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
