I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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