I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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