Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
