is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
