I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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