Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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