I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize