all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Randomize
