So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
