I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
