I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize