ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
