i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
