god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
