So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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