his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
