My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There's always time for handjobs
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
