would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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