she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Randomize
