So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
