is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
