dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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