"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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