my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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