Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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