You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize