The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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