my room smells like sperm. sweet.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
