she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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