my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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