I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize