you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
