remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
