She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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