I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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