pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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