Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
