I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
