No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
