She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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