my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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