she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
