She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
