I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
