My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
