the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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