ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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