She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Sorry about my life...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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