I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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