just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
