I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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