tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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