i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
What a dumb baby whore.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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