So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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