Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
