i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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