last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
