I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
