help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
