I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
