is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
